The Onion

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Dumbest thing said during the Olympics last night.

Somehow I end up watching synchronized diving last night, or at least it was on the TV while I was in the room. Anyway, the announcer says something to the effect that "the divers really benefit when they train together." Really? You think the two people who are going to be performing a synchronized dive would benefit from training together? That's a remarkable idea!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Mark Spitz - Bitter, table for one.

Spitz upset over Olympic snub.

"I never got invited. You don't go to the Olympics just to say, I am going to go. Especially because of who I am," Spitz told AFP in Hong Kong.

"I am going to sit there and watch Michael Phelps break my record anonymously? That's almost demeaning to me. It is not almost -- it is."

"They voted me one of the top five Olympians in all time. Some of them are dead. But they invited the other ones to go to the Olympics, but not me," he said. "Yes, I am a bit upset about it."
Maybe they were afraid your ego wouldn't fit on the plane.

Friday, August 1, 2008

You knew this was coming...

McCain Camp Says Obama Is Playing ‘Race Card’
Seriously, if you are going to vote for or against Obama because he is black, you're a moron. There are plenty of legitimate reasons to vote for or against him and it's going to be sad watching the next four months of bullshit being brought up about race rather than actual issues that matter.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Storm Watch 2008!!!!!

Holy crap, it's Storm Watch time in southern California! That's right - we have rain, clouds, wind, and even a tornado! It's like real "weather" that everybody else in America gets all the time, only here it's big news. Good thing the Mega Doppler 7000 HD Rader (I couldn't make that shit up if I wanted) is working, otherwise we might not know it is sprinkling in Mission Viejo right now.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Five ways to tell if you're an idiot.

1. You have stickers like these on your car:


2. You watch American Idol, America's Got Talent, The Bachelor, baseball, Big Brother, or Survivor.

3. Titanic is your all-time favorite movie and/or you think 300 totally kicked ass.

4. You look like, or wish you looked like, these morons:


5. Linkin' Park is your favorite band.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Five people that ought to be choked

No time for chit chat today. Gettin' down to business.

1. The Verizon Guy.
Holy fuck! It's all I can do to not put my fist through the TV everytime I see him on there. That smirk plus the smug attitude! I had a wet dream where Hulk Hogan came out of retirement, got roid rage, and then wrapped his 24" pythons around this guys neck. (I'm pretty sure I'm not gay.)

2. Actors that brag about how hard they work.
Let's say your flipping channels looking for cleavage or sluts wrestling in jello or something and you come across Access Hollywood or the Insider. Odds are they are covering some kind of movie premier and you check it out because there's the possibility that there will be a wardrobe malfunction and you'll see nipples. Hasn't happened yet but there is ALWAYS an actor talking about the long hours and getting into character or some shit. Boo hoo. Most of us work long hours for way less money AND we can't take two months off after every month long shoot. Quit your bitching or get a new job.

3. Protestors at all the wrong places.
First there was Cindy Sheehan and some anti war groups at the Rose Parade this year. Then there was a gaggle of them trying to disrupt the Olympic Torch run because China tortures people, pollutes the environment and occupies Tibet. Sure China sucks and the war in Iraq is a problem. But don't try to bring politics to something that should be apolitical. If your cause is that worthy, you'd be getting all the press you need without having to latch onto the coat tails of a non-related, more popular event. Protesting the use of pesticides in commercial flower production would be appropriate for the Rose Parade but the war in Iraq. WTF? By the way, why do we care about Tibet?

4. John McCain
My nightmare vision of every politician embracing 'universal care' is coming true. He was on with George S. this morning explaining HIS plan and why it's better than Obama's or Hillary's. Eight years ago he campaigned as Luke Skywalker. Kind of cool. He's also been behind campaign finance reform. Can't say I agree with it but at least he's acting like he cares. Kind of cool. Now this? What's worse is the three viable choices for President are almost virtually identical. Iraq? We need to leave but clean it up first. Healthcare? Universal care. Free trade? Depends on the country but we'll see how the polls come back. Illegal immigration? There should be a pathway to citizenship. I was really hoping he'd go against the grain on something.

5. Linkin Park.
They continue to get more and more air play. Yet they still suck. Have we as a society crumbled so much that playing Linkin Park is acceptable?

If you see any of these people choke them for me. Or at least put someone in the Camel Clutch.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Make money with a blog!!!

It's easy, right? Everyone is doing it - quitting their jobs and raking in the dough off a blog. All you have to do is Google "making money with a blog" and you will get a ton of websites and blogs telling you exactly how to do it and how it is so easy. I've done a little research and come to the conclusion that they are kind of right, and they are also mostly full of shit.

Most of these blogs that are telling you how to make money with a blog are making their money by you going to their site and clicking on their ads or signing up for their programs they are "recommending." So all you need to do is start your own blog saying how to make money off a blog, and keep the pyramid going.

The thing is, there's no real product being sold 90% of the time. It's all adsense clicks (I'm guilty of it too) and affiliate referrals. Nobody is buying anything. I came across a site pimping http://cashcrate.com/ a site that pays you to do surveys. Sounds good right? You get like .80¢ for every survey or something, and people are saying how they are making thousands of dollars. Well, it isn't because they are doing thousands of surveys, they are hoping you click on the link, go to cashcrate and sign up because then they get the real money.

What about music blogs? I've got one: and it gets minimal traffic. Maybe a few hundred hits a week. The problem is that there are THOUSANDS of music blogs. It is impossible to keep track of them all. And since most people have crappy taste in music, getting people to check out a blog that talks about bands like Slim Cessna's Auto Club or Rocket from the Crypt ain't easy. I've put some Amazon links on there and signed up for the affiliate program just for shits and giggles, but I've never gotten a sale.

So I guess some people can do it, but for the most part, if you're looking to make a fortune with your blog, you probably already missed the boat and would be better off looking to the future to see what the next big "thing" is going to be and get in on the ground floor. That or sell porn, cuz people always love porn.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Man killed after being bit during shark dive.


Link to the story

So I know there's going to be a bunch of people up in arms over "chumming" the water during these shark dives, saying how dangerous it is, and it should be stopped, etc. because of this attack. Of course it is dangerous to dive with animals that can kill you after you've used the blood and guts of other animals to attract them, but how many other people have been killed during these dives? If you count the number of people who have gone on commercial shark dives, the number of photographers who have gone on shark dives, the number of divers who happened to come across sharks on their dives, the number of swimmers who have unwittingly been swimming with sharks in the vicinity, and the number of surfers who go into the water every day, it's pretty obvious that sharks aren't out there killing people every chance they get. In fact, this one death now ties 2008 with all of 2007 for fatal shark attacks. (LINK) So while it is unfortunate that someone was killed, let's hope the media doesn't turn this into a huge deal.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

5 reasons to NOT vote for Hillary

All right, sweet thangs...Iron Balls is back! Been out a few getting the balls polished to a high shine. Now I'm ready to take it to Hillary. (You know you would, too.) My five reasons to NOT vote for Hillary now or come November.

1. She's a woman.
Before you get your panties in a bunch, I mean don't vote for her simply because she's a woman and you 1) want to see history or 2) you will only vote for a woman because you're a woman. Makes no sense. This is like expecting the most ardent, white Democrat to vote for McCain over Obama just because McCain's white.

2. She has no experience.
I'm all for a citizen politician. But, Hillary claims to have all the political know how but has yet to do anything. To hear her tell it, she was the president behind the president during the Bill Clinton years. Then, she moved to a state after polling to see if she'd get elected. And with name recognition, didn't really have to campaign.

3. She's a hypocrite.
Yes she's now a politician and hypocrisy is to be expected but she's given Bush a ration of shit after voting to support him invading Iraq. Then she voted for every single one of his requests for more Iraq money. Reminds me of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi saying that money in the hands of the people will lift the economy. Haven't the Republicans been trying to do that for the last 30 years? (Nevermind their spending habits for the last eight.)

4. Universal health care.
I've got shiny, iron balls so I'm just going to say it. HEALTH CARE IS NOT A RIGHT. I realize a president doesn't have so much power to create universal health care on her own. But, with enough TV time and the lack of backbone by anyone to say HEALTH CARE IS NOT A RIGHT, all of the other pols will fall into line and cave. Especially when Hillary introduces a blind, armless 4 year old with a stutter at her first State of the Union. Then, she'll say, "This little girl would be like any other little girl if the big, bad healthcare industry were would make service more affordable. Like it'd be under my plan." Holy fuck, I'm really scared.

5. Bill Clinton.
Imagine Billy Carter getting the press of Britney Spears. No, worse. Imagine Bill Clinton acting like Britney Spears. But, he'd be the delegate to the UN. It'd be entertaining for a week or so. Then it just wouldn't stop. Ever.

Do everyone you know a favor and encourage them to vote for Ron Paul. Seriously. If you're a Democrat and don't have open primaries, write him in. The worst case scenario would be giving the poll workers something to talk about.

Iron Balls OUT!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

The Democrats are morons.

After eight years of Bush, one of the worst presidents to step foot into the White House, you would think the Democrats would have no problem winning back the oval office, right? No...they'd rather screw it all up, bicker among themselves like high school cheerleaders, and come across as being so incompetent that in the end people are going to vote for the Republicans again!

The worst part is that the two people causing all this mess, Clinton (Bill or Hillary - take your pick at which one is actually running) and Obama are probably the two least likely to get elected president. Say what you will about how far this country has progressed, but in a country where in some states a black man is 57 times more likely to be sent to jail on the same drug charges as a white man - there is sadly still little chance of a black man being elected president. And that's not even taking into account that the guy really isn't all that qualified for the job.

Only slightly less likely is a woman being elected. Now Hillary may be well known, and she has Bill on her side, but do the Democrats not realize how universally hated she is among a large portion of America? She is probably the one person who can be more divisive than Bush has been as president.

If the Democats were smart, they'd encourage, plead, beg, blackmail, or force Gore to run. He'd win in an absolute landslide over any of the guys the Republicans are thinking about nominating. But I do have to admit, a part of me really wants Romney to win the nomination and go against either Clinton or Obama. I'd love to see "mainstream" America have to choose between either a woman, a black man, or a Mormon. If that were to happen, Nader may finally have a chance.